Advice for a female friend aged 35+, who is having a hard time falling pregnant, on what to say to her in-laws who are coming to stay and will, as ever, bombard her with questions about giving them a Grandchild:
"I'm sorry, but can we change the subject? My consultant says that tactlessness is the leading cause of infertility".
Saturday 30 January 2010
Taking the Mickey (badum-tsssh!)
M wouldn't believe me that 'Hey Mickey' by Toni Basil was about anal sex - until I sang him the deleted final verse:
You make your willy hard then you stick it up my bum,
You wiggle it around until it makes you cum,
Splash your chocolate milkshake all across my tum,
Hey Mickey!
Well, you never know.
Look, we're rubbish, okay? Everyone else is blogging about the Chilcot fiasco and CBB and so on, but we're keeping it real with puerile gags about retro pop tunes.
Although I will make one comment here about Chilcot; this is wot I done tweeted earlier: 'As a Feminist, my use of the word 'cunt' is always problematic for me. Well, my worries are over - I can now replace 'cunt' with 'Chilcot'.
'Nuff said.
We will be blogging properly this weekend, if only to prove that we're not the sorts of losers who start a blog and then don't keep it up. We're just the sorts of losers who are too lazy to post sufficiently, thank you very much indeed. If you're very lucky, I might include details of the new skit I am working on, about a Gangsta rapper with severe Asperger's Syndrome ("Once I have ascertained that the woman is question is indeed a working prostitute, I will pay her and, after she has removed her clothing and sufficiently aroused me, proceed to perform intercourse on her from behind and I will take the liberty of presuming that she is also enjoying the aforementioned intercourse without properly discussing her opinion on the matter". "If you enquire as to my preference for female buttock size and shape, after a respectable period of research and self-questioning, it would be remiss of me to not to confess to preferring a larger posterior"). But I probably won't.
E.
You make your willy hard then you stick it up my bum,
You wiggle it around until it makes you cum,
Splash your chocolate milkshake all across my tum,
Hey Mickey!
Well, you never know.
Look, we're rubbish, okay? Everyone else is blogging about the Chilcot fiasco and CBB and so on, but we're keeping it real with puerile gags about retro pop tunes.
Although I will make one comment here about Chilcot; this is wot I done tweeted earlier: 'As a Feminist, my use of the word 'cunt' is always problematic for me. Well, my worries are over - I can now replace 'cunt' with 'Chilcot'.
'Nuff said.
We will be blogging properly this weekend, if only to prove that we're not the sorts of losers who start a blog and then don't keep it up. We're just the sorts of losers who are too lazy to post sufficiently, thank you very much indeed. If you're very lucky, I might include details of the new skit I am working on, about a Gangsta rapper with severe Asperger's Syndrome ("Once I have ascertained that the woman is question is indeed a working prostitute, I will pay her and, after she has removed her clothing and sufficiently aroused me, proceed to perform intercourse on her from behind and I will take the liberty of presuming that she is also enjoying the aforementioned intercourse without properly discussing her opinion on the matter". "If you enquire as to my preference for female buttock size and shape, after a respectable period of research and self-questioning, it would be remiss of me to not to confess to preferring a larger posterior"). But I probably won't.
E.
Sunday 10 January 2010
New Year, New Futile Attempts To Stem The Tide of Boredom: A Manifesto (of sorts)
It's January. It's a Sunday. We're bored shitless and there's nothing else to do. Hello.
"Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, disgust, contempt, or hatred of the human species. A misanthrope is someone who harbors those views and feelings. " - Wikipedia.
Cretins like to bang on about what constitutes 'true Britishness'. Whether that's some pseudo-BNP crap about our 'Bulldog spirit' or some Ruritanian flimflam about a time and place that never was, they're wrong. True Britishness - if there even is such a thing - is Misanthropy; the pessimistic, mocking, begrudging acceptance that life is mainly rubbish and so are most people. Including ourselves.
This is what we have to offer the world. The weather's disappointing, people take it as a personal insult to be expected to do their job halfway-decently (us too), nothing seems to run on time, we all love to self-sabotage, you're expected to put yourself down all the time and everyone's scared of human emotion. We're petty-minded and uptight. Whiny and passive-aggressive. We don't like to cause a fuss but we certainly like to moan about whatever we should have fussed about. We're all a bit scared of life and whilst we parrot the mantra 'mustn't grumble', grumbling's what we do instead of trying something different, something better. Treacle-black humour is the way to cope with everything and taking the piss and being smug about not being blind to the iniquities of life are the only panaceas we've got in return. Well, that and tea - and we don't even like tea. Pity us, O readers.
So if you like to read other people moaning bitterly and unnecessarily about things that aren't really very important, get on board. Passengers are not permitted to talk to strangers, read the tabloids, or have their jeans worn halfway down their arse, anyone whose music is tinnily audible through their headphones will be summarily executed and if someone's put their bag down on the seat next to them, it means fuck off. Flamethrowers can be activated if teenagers try to flag us down.
E.
PS If you're very lucky, we might occasionally be cheerful about stuff. But don't hold your breath.
"Misanthropy is a general dislike, distrust, disgust, contempt, or hatred of the human species. A misanthrope is someone who harbors those views and feelings. " - Wikipedia.
Cretins like to bang on about what constitutes 'true Britishness'. Whether that's some pseudo-BNP crap about our 'Bulldog spirit' or some Ruritanian flimflam about a time and place that never was, they're wrong. True Britishness - if there even is such a thing - is Misanthropy; the pessimistic, mocking, begrudging acceptance that life is mainly rubbish and so are most people. Including ourselves.
This is what we have to offer the world. The weather's disappointing, people take it as a personal insult to be expected to do their job halfway-decently (us too), nothing seems to run on time, we all love to self-sabotage, you're expected to put yourself down all the time and everyone's scared of human emotion. We're petty-minded and uptight. Whiny and passive-aggressive. We don't like to cause a fuss but we certainly like to moan about whatever we should have fussed about. We're all a bit scared of life and whilst we parrot the mantra 'mustn't grumble', grumbling's what we do instead of trying something different, something better. Treacle-black humour is the way to cope with everything and taking the piss and being smug about not being blind to the iniquities of life are the only panaceas we've got in return. Well, that and tea - and we don't even like tea. Pity us, O readers.
So if you like to read other people moaning bitterly and unnecessarily about things that aren't really very important, get on board. Passengers are not permitted to talk to strangers, read the tabloids, or have their jeans worn halfway down their arse, anyone whose music is tinnily audible through their headphones will be summarily executed and if someone's put their bag down on the seat next to them, it means fuck off. Flamethrowers can be activated if teenagers try to flag us down.
E.
PS If you're very lucky, we might occasionally be cheerful about stuff. But don't hold your breath.
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